wife, mother, ph.d. student, hot stuff.

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

holding pattern...

Robin has a year left till he gets his ph.d. Various friends are also plowing their way through grad school. A fair number have good jobs. Others are having babies, even second children. It feels like everyone is making major inroads to their careers or families.. except for me.

In a way, that's silly for me to say. I've completed a grad degree already. I'm on my second job since graduation, everything's been on my own terms, and I've burned no bridges, only opened up possibilities. I'm happily married to a fantastic guy. I have zero debt. I have a biology GRE book sitting on my kitchen table, and a Harvard professor in my back pocket for when I apply to grad school. I'm doing pretty damned well.

But I still feel like I'm stuck in limbo while everyone else around me progresses to the next stage.

I suppose I am still nervous about my timing of everything. The thought of another 6 years of school is very intimidating. Am I really prepared for that? Can I really start having babies while in school? Do I have the chops to be an academic? What if I fail? After all, I still haven't even gotten into any schools, much less the prestigious ones on the top of my list.

Since college, I've been in an almost constant state of transition. The transition to grad school across the country, 2 years later to unemployment, half a year later to employment, and not even another year later to a different job. Overlay that with plenty of personal transition (from not dating Robin to dating again to moving in together to engagement to marriage). How did all that fit into 4 years? And how is it, despite all that movement, that I still feel like I'm stuck on a hamster wheel?

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